Embrace GRAYce

My 6 & 7 year old little girls love to read like their mama. One of our faves when they were babies was “That’s Not My Unicorn”. We live in a world of rainbows and unicorns at our house after all 😜

The pages show other unicorns with different attributes than “my unicorn” who you meet on the last page. It doesn’t degrade the different attribute, it shows it. For example, That’s Not My Unicorn… his mane is too fluffy—there is a corresponding picture with a Unicorn and the baby can touch its fluffy mane. The last page has a beautiful unicorn with an extra sparkly horn that says “That’s MY Unicorn… It’s horn is so sparkly.” The End. 

That’s my unicorn….. acknowledges a beautiful attribute of the Uni….. the end, nothing more or less.

Simple concept for a simple minded baby that adults could learn lessons from. It’s different, it’s not mine and we all STILL live happily ever after. Easy enough in theory, tough in practice for emotionally immature adults. 

I started a blog a few months back (embracegrayce.com) after I got comfortable with the idea of other people not liking my feelings, ideas and opinions… Don’t get me wrong, I’ve ALWAYS had big dreams to be the change I wish to see in the world. I’ve also been conditioned, by society, to repress those big dreams. 

Here’s how I imagine a conversation going with an emotionally immature adult after making such a “ludicrous statement given how far we’ve come on women’s rights” and my general responses:

“What do you mean you’ve been repressed, Jackie? You’re an outspoken female lawyer! Clearly we’ve progressed and your opinion is wrong”

I am a lawyer by trade and do it pretty darn well, just ask me or follow me for a day 🤭 Outspoken-ish. I know too many scary truths about too many people in places of societal power in my community. Reality check—those people in places of power that are afraid of their very real truth, will and HAVE abused their power to keep the truth covered. I’m mindful of that and will proceed with caution. Unlucky for them, I am smarter. Partly because I have the emotional maturity they lack, partly because my IQ is higher. I didn’t have that epiphany until recently. 

The world I was raised in taught me to be a good girl that didn’t poke the proverbial bear. Soooooo I did my best and excelled everywhere I was told I should without poking any bears. I see clearly now that by not poking the bear, I enabled a child predator to be found not guilty of raping his 9 year old stepdaughter in a jury trial last week. 

I got the wake up call I desperately needed, and, POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEE. Did you feel that Founding Fathers? 

“But Jackie, the FFs are dead in the ground, how can you poke them? How are FFs even relevant?”

Their bloodlines, duh 😉 The patriarchy in our country, and those conditioned by it, believe that their opinions are holier than the facts & science that say otherwise. Society and the justice system value harmony over honesty, which allows pedophiles to remain free. No thank you. Time to feel the poke. 

“How can you tell who is in their bloodline?? Ancestry.com or 23 & Me?”

If only it were that easy. I get to know a person and ask questions. I’m curious af. Pretty sure I was called nosy as a kid. 

“What do they look like?”

Look around you… they’re everywhere. 

“That’s delusional, you need help.”

You ain’t lying about one thing. I desperately need help, look at the current state of our country. Maybe not the locked down inpatient mental health treatment the patriarchy would like you to believe I need. Although, given the hell I went through last week, a locked down compound is the new goal. And tattooing child predators heads, but that’s a story for a different day. 

We just met and I like to take it slow…

On that topic… how do you define slow? 

My slow is likely faster than yours. 

“So you’re saying you’re better than us, aren’t you??”

No I said my definition of slow is likely faster, not better. Faster isn’t necessarily better, but that’s an example of how communication breakdowns happen when egos or FFs get in the way. 

Comparison is the thief of joy. I’m not in a competition with anybody but myself. I am who I am. You are who you are. And we all still live happily ever after. Just like That’s Not My Unicorn says 😉

There are no two humans on this earth alike in every way, shape, form or fashion. We are all different. Are there similarities? Absolutely. And that’s how the FFs condition us to assimilate. Focus on similarities and “forget” about differences. That’s how we got to the divisive place we are at today. Preconditioned beliefs and being taught to think or act a certain way. 

Know better, do better. We KNOW better, so why aren’t we doing better??

Harmony over honesty, that’s how. The “do as I say, not as I do while I hide under a polished veil of lies” mentality. 

It’s time to get back to basics, but America needs to wake up. The women especially. 

“Good thing you don’t care if people like you, you’re not making any friends with this post”

Sounds like a them problem. I’ve got loads of tragically beautiful, mostly unheard stories they will miss out on. Oh well. Will it make one person open their eyes? Phew… My mission is accomplished. I have enough friends and people pretending to be my friend under their own veil of lies. 

Fact is, I love me. A lot. I’m the only person whose job it is to prioritize & take care of me. At the end of the day, it’s me looking back in the mirror. It’s me I have to answer to. Nobody else. 

ME ME ME. The world revolves around me!

Some may say I’m greedy, maybe even selfish, these days. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. I’m not greedy, selfish, or an asshole, but I’ve got a lot of opinions. I know myself and love myself better than anyone else—even with society telling me that’s “wrong”. Society can have their opinions all they want about me and how I live my life. I am responsible for my feelings and my actions, you are responsible for yours. 

I’ve worked in a male dominated profession and have, like many of you, been repeatedly told my feelings are too big & my embrace GRAYce ideas are too stupid to work. I believed it. I was conditioned to believe, again like many of you, that the possible was impossible. What’s another word for conditioned? Taught. It only took me 38 years to unlearn conditioned beliefs to form my own. In the grand scheme of things, many people choose not to form their own standards. If you thrive in your conditioned beliefs & standards, why would you change it? 

Cue Donald Trump or DC Weazy, Jimmy G I seeeeeee you and/or most white males in places of power, control, and money. 

Take this as my proclamation. My feelings are not too big and my embrace GRAYce ideas are not too stupid to work. The emotionally immature patriarchy’s ego is too big and their brains are too simple to understand I’m capable of doing THEIR impossible. 

TLDR; Please stop telling me my dreams are impossible, you’ll see soon that they are very possible. Big picture, you can keep saying it because I’m not listening……. Na na na na boo boo [inserts fingers into ears and sticks tongue out]. 

I will no longer explain myself to people who choose to only understand from their own level of perception. I have big feelings. That’s ok. Sometimes I need facts to balance my big feelings. I don’t know everything, but I know a lot as I’ve been blessed with an encyclopedia brain. All I know is it finally feels like these times they are a changing….. 

“You never told us who you are…”

Good question. I’m a work in progress. Hot Mess Express, for certain. Everything else I’m figuring out as I go. I’ll leave you with a reader’s digest version. 

Hi, I’m Jackie. I love the brain and informal, without training, behavior analysis… I’m loud and dramatic…. Sometimes intentionally 😁 My brain takes in too much info. I’m a lawyer by learned trade and lover of anyone willing to have a conversation with me. Highly sensitive with severe executive dysfunction & a photographic memory. The end result means I’m crazy insightful and perceptive. Curious af, not really judgmental, unless deserved tee hee. I’ve been through my fair share of traumatic events and I’m healing, not hurting. I feel my big feelings hard. I also feel other people’s feelings as if I’m going through their pain. Then when I’m done feeling them, I move on and do better the next day. 

If that sounds like insanity to you, imagine what it feels like living in the chaos 🤯 Good thing you don’t have to and there is an X in the top right or left of your screen to see your way out. Did I mention I’m technologically challenged, too?

“Why are you choosing now to be so loud? Your opinions sound like nails on a chalkboard.” 

I lost a class X predatory criminal sexual assault jury trial last week, as I mentioned above. My 13 year old victim was brave enough to testify in a courtroom full of adults about her stepdad orally and anally raping her for two months straight in 2020 when she was only 9 years old. The sexual abuse finally stopped when Grace’s mom took her to the pediatrician for rectal bleeding that Grace described felt like glass when trying to use the bathroom. Diagnosis? Constipation. Any questions asked about potential SA? Not even considered. 

When I tell you that’s the tip of the iceberg when it comes to how many adults failed Grace, I mean it. Ultimately, the justice system failed Grace and so did I. 

“You never know with a jury. 12 people can be unpredictable. Get back on the horse and do it better next time.”

True, in some respects, and that’s how I’ve accepted other trials that ended in a not guilty. I’ve had too many to count. Dismissing or losing cases isn’t always a bad thing. I embraced it while prosecuting in Problem Solving Courts—Drug Court, Mental Health Court, and Veterans Court.

I will never be able to explain how I felt hearing the words “Not Guilty” be read four times and watching a child predator walk out of that courtroom empowered to hurt more innocent kids. The minimum punishment was 24 years and I was confident that pedophile would never see the light of day with the concrete evidence we put on. 

I have two young daughters and I’ve been a lawyer for a bakers dozen. Sure with a jury you never know what will happen and I made sure to prep my innocent victim for the not guilty I never expected we would get. Just in case. Then it happened. Not Guilty in a court of law does not mean he is not a pedophile. He is and the evidence showed he is.

It’s over. No appeal for the innocent victim and no justice that she’s been waiting 4 long years for. And he walks free. 

If a 13 year old victim getting revictimized while her abuser watches in sick pleasure is justice, then the FFs are absolutely right about one thing…. my big feelings may not be cut out for this justice system.

That’s Not MY Justice System.

8/29/24 Edited to add this little piff of epiphany that came at such a manifested time:

Posted the following anecdote to my social media about something I just so happened to stumble upon on Wednesday after writing the above post. Neuroplasticity is a wild thing. Thanks Dr. James Doty and his book Mind Magic, buy it if you’re healing, not hurting 😜, and into science based manifestation. The man is a neurosurgeon who founded Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research Compassion and Education. Mind Blown. Took me a month to process through Mind Magic, and finished his first book Into the Magic Shop in two days. Life changing for me at this stage of my life experience and passion project:

I live in the Midwest. With summer storms come tornadoes and microbursts; with winter wonderlands comes heavy snow. The homes that provide us safety must be built to withstand the harshest of Mother Nature’s elements. Often times the houses weather the storms with little to no damage. Other times houses are decimated, while their neighbors houses stand strong. When there is a crack in the foundation of the home from these storms, the community comes together to fix it. Or rebuild. Bandaids don’t fix all cracks.

Long story short: when our physical safety net is cracked, we rally together.

So why don’t we rally around humans to support them when their “foundations” are cracked?

In 2004, I was a senior in high school graduating from NCHS in Naperville. During one of my many afternoons causing havoc in the downtown area, I bought a cheap bracelet from White House Black Market that said “Be the Change You Wish to See in the World”. Shortly after that I graduated with big plans to go to the University of Illinois. The same morning of my graduation ceremony, I attended my Uncle’s funeral. He overdosed. I held hate in my heart for too long until I understood addiction as a coping mechanism for deeply instilled trauma.

Know Better, Do Better. Life experience is a perfect example of that.

This morning I found a present my parents gave to me when I graduated college, with new big plans of going to law school.

“Be the Change You Want to See in the World.”

Wish versus Want. One word changed. Had me thinking, because overthinking is my thing. Like I said in my last post, my possible is not as impossible as the FFs would’ve liked me to remain conditioned to believe. Time to change the WISH to WANT with action. Kind of like empathy. Empathy is a feeling; Compassion is action.

My superpower was empathy, it’s now compassion.

Where did my crazy story of cracks in houses come from? I noticed a crack in the “foundation” of my gift. The gift doesn’t need to be thrown away, or even fixed. My foundation, or message, is stronger from the people in my world that support me in the times I feel like I’m crumbling.

But she persisted 😘 with the love and support from family and friends.

I am grateful today for the people that have supported my number one mission of Being the Change I WANT to See in the World. Especially during the times I couldn’t see it so clearly. I love you hard and thank you.