Embrace GRAYce

I’ve linked previous posts for context. I can’t shut up & love people. If you’re new here, Hi I’m Jackie! A “progressive” prosecutor passionate about learning how emotional intelligence impacts the justice system and how to make it better…. that’s what my LinkedIn says at least. End Goal? Making the world a more compassionate place for OUR kids. This blog revolves around unheard stories, like Mady, Anthony, Rob, Jaron, Justin, Robert, Callie, Sonya, Edward, Grace, the list goes on…. that all have a common theme of (in)justice. It’s been a rough, dark storm. I’m hopeful for sunshine sooner than later. These unheard stories are those rays of sunshine that keep me dancing in the rain. For now, I’m embracing my gray. 🖤🤍🩶

Wednesday November 6, 2024: A day that left a stain in my personal “chapter book called life”.

Sir Donald Trump, a proud woman abuser, was named winner of the presidential election. His second term as leader of our free county.

….And the day I lost another Class X Child Sex Abuse trial.

You probably don’t know me that well if you think Trump winning is the blemish on my rainbows & unicorns mindset. He’s a small man in a bigger problem—the patriarchy that empowers sex abuse against women and children.

This is the second child sex abuse case I’ve lost in less than two months.

Two different stepdads that horrifically & repeatedly raped their young, innocent stepdaughters.

“Not Guilty” in a court of law doesn’t change the facts I know about the two pedophiles on trial.

Three weeks later and that day keeps replaying in my head and feels like a never ending nightmare…

Hearing people behind me in the gallery celebrate the Defendant walking free while my 14 year old victim ran out of the courtroom in horror…I saw red.

Took everything in me to keep it together.

The second child predator knew his victim her entire life and started the grooming process in second grade.

Easier to prey while they’re young.

I have two little girls at home to protect, my oldest is in second grade. “Prosecutor” is a tad complex to explain, so they think Mommy’s job is to “lock up the bad guys”.

It’s hard to say I don’t want them to speak up for themselves when the justice system that Mommy works in, isn’t always so just…

I’ve now watched two bad guys—the ones that it was my job to protect my victims AND little girls from— walk free after being told they are “Not Guilty”.

I feel defeated…

Feeling defeated—regardless of how big & red my feelings may be—won’t help solve the problem…

It’s time to wake up, America.

Welcome to the Embrace GRAYce Court of Public Opinion

In a series of posts at Embrace GRAYce, we will explore the very real and gross sex abuse epidemic in modern day America.

A somewhat uncomfortable & necessary discussion we’ve avoided for far too long.

1 in 4 little girls & 1 in 13 little boys will be sexually abused before the age of 18.

Those stats are based off reported abuse, meaning the actual number is much higher.

*edited to add I say reported based on personal experience.

https://rainn.org/about-sexual-assault

Avoiding talking about it and/or denying the reality, allows the abuse to keep happening.

97% of these cases never see a day in court.

Even when they make it to court, justice isn’t always served—I’ve seen that firsthand.

From my perspective, child sex abuse victims whose abuse goes unaddressed—which are the majority of victims—engage and/or tolerate sex abuse behavior when they become adults.

They think the behavior is normal or ok.

It isn’t.

Sad result? Trickle down effect that repeats the abusive & traumatic cycle for the next generation.

Hurt people, hurt people—especially with America living in denial.

My intent isn’t to scare you, although the numbers alone are alarming. It is to inform you of facts through non-graphic stories, real world examples and personal experience, so you can make your own better informed voting decisions.

We can only do better together.

Elect people who care about the humans they are supposed to represent, not money, power and control aka the 2024 American Dream.

Human trafficking is a 236 billion dollar worldwide illegal industry. Almost afraid to mention their names… Diddy? And Epstein, the predator with a kiddie equipped plane, that our President Elect socialized with for two decades?

Ignorance isn’t bliss; it makes us complicit in the ongoing abuse.

In reflecting on the sex abuse trial losses, the recent election, and my 38 years on this planet, it feels like America has been conditioned—I’d even say groomed as fitting for the theme—to believe women and children are lying when they speak up about sex abuse.

Women and children deserve better—to be heard at a minimum.

This flawed narrative allows child sex abuse to flourish with no accountability or change.

I don’t want the 2024 American Dream when the underlying hidden cost of money, power and control is silence.

Had to scrub the conditioned narrative away. And scrub, then pumice, and scrub again. Rinse & repeat.

Add reviewing thousands of pages of sex abuse evidence plus watching hours of Victim Sensitive interviews really helps you see the sex abuse truth.

We’re allowing the sick cycle of abuse to continue.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.

Well…. until meow.

I’ve learned many of the hard lessons featured on this blog through missteps of my own. I’m not perfect—very flawed. My intentions come from a good place, which cannot be said for many of our elected officials perpetuating these abusive cycles.

I tell my stories, failures and mistakes to encourage others to share theirs, that way we can start talking about the hard truths we shy away from in an avoidance of shame.

OC Sheriff, DC Weazy & Jimmy G, you boys should know by now that I won’t let a post go by without mentioning my three favorite local examples of toxic administration in government.

Three prime examples of the Trickle. Down. Effect. Slippery slope of toxicity that starts at the top in admin.

We all struggle with shame. I’ll keep on sharing my moments of “shame” if it helps change the narrative and protect my babies.

Hurt people, hurt people—as I said earlier.

Healing people—yours truly—we’re more demure, more mindful. We seek accountability through action versus mindless violence akin to storming the Capitol in the temper tantrum of the century.

The mountains of evidence detailing both historic and current sex abuse in America—especially within government & the church—that has largely gone unpunished, is mind-boggling.

I understand now more than ever why women and children remain silent.

Watching the first pedo stepdad walk free in August felt like my soul left my body… How did that happen? That’s Not MY Justice System—you can read more about the first trial there.

I promised myself to never be in that position again… until I was 🙃 glutton for punishment.. or justice.

My feelings from the second trial are indescribable in that I cannot ethically or mindfully talk about them without getting in more hot water than I’m already in. I watched two little girls be put under a microscope in rooms full of adults while their abusers remained silent.

For what feels like nothing. Who was on trial again? Hmm didn’t seem like it.

Yep… feelings clearly still too big to go there.

A clip from the local paper and a link to the article from the verdict.

https://www.wcsjnews.com/news/local/verdict-rendered-in-sexual-assault-case-another-bench-trial-set/article_02d883bc-9c93-11ef-9b87-e3676a77997b.html

Some of the google searches completed on the predator’s work cellphone that he had exclusive control over: age to start masturbation; what age do boobs grow?; what age do breasts grow the most?; molestation; tell someone is lying in court; what is the sentence for first time sexual assault?; my stepdaughter ruined my marriage; 13 wearing thong; very young thong; Illinois punishment for inappropriately touching a minor child.

Small, small sample. Sure not illegal to search… BUT….. my initial thought while combing through the evidence… if the defense is “she’s lying I didn’t rape her nightly for four years” why would an innocent man look up what the punishment is?

Look. At. The. Statistics. 97% don’t make it to court because even when they do… Not Guilty.

My Dad, Papa Bear Dave, came to watch the closing arguments and subsequent “Not Guilty” verdict—first time he has seen me in court since my second year of law school circa 2010.

Except back then, Papa Dave was the Defendant on trial 😳

FAKE Defendant for a mock trial final exam.

Ironically, my role in that trial was defending a rapist.

I was looking through old law school e-mails when I stumbled across something more fitting for this post…. You’ll have to wait until Part II to hear more about what was awakened from the depths of e-mail hell.

Undiagnosed executive dysfunction with a touch of type A and no kids keeping my brain busy in 2010… I was organized af and saved everything.

I still save everything… found out the hard way that even with physical evidence people can and will skew tangible proof to fit their narrative.

It’s what lawyers learn to do in law school…

Papa Dave helped get my Sopchicks to school that morning then came to see my closing at 1:30 pm. Had I thought the trial was going to end up in a “Not Guilty”, I’m not sure I would have told him to come…

Seeing my dad standing wide-eyed and shocked in the back of the courtroom as I rushed out after my 14 year old victim— also present for closing arguments and the disturbing verdict— gave me a strange sense of peace and calm in a moment of pure chaos.

My young, innocent victim and her mother were destroyed. The screams and understandable human emotion I witnessed over the next two hours left that stain that will never fade.

I cried with them and couldn’t say “I’m Sorry” enough.

While walking my victim and her mom to their car, I saw Papa Dave across the street. My dad is a former offensive lineman who looks like Dr. Phil. Handsome, warm man… but his dark appearance can be unnerving, if you don’t know him. Doesn’t help that we like to wear all black in the fam.

He had kept himself busy for those two hours meeting everyone and anyone I work with.

Chatty Cathy—pot meet kettle.

I had to calm my victim’s fears over the dark man across the street.

“It’s just my dad, he came to support me.”

She has an automatic fear response when she sees men—unsurprising with what she’s been through. Child abusers don’t have a look and hers was one she was told she could trust.

Volunteer firefighter… village board member… STEPDAD.

You know that ridiculous attacked by a bear dilemma? Yeah this case is a perfect example of why women would choose to be attacked by a bear.

Imagine—as a 14 year old—enduring 4 years of sexual abuse thinking it was normal and finally being scared enough to speak up.. to then be treated like you’re lying about your abuse during three hours of testimony in a room full of adults… to ultimately watch your abuser walk free on the streets.

I’m not sure how I could trust anyone in her shoes.

Horrified is an understatement.

We said our goodbyes and I walked over to Papa Dave.

With wide, sad eyes, my dad asked, “Are you ok, Jack?”

And like that I was flooded with so many conversations from childhood that started the exact same way, that deja vu..

But this time, things felt different….

“I’m ok, Dad. I’m not sure I would’ve been able to survive this again without knowing you were here. I love you.”

Silent pause, both eyes welling up with tears. My dad is a master at the silent pause, I feel awkward. Still learning to embrace it.

“I’m not ok, Jack.”

Cue water works on both sides.

In that moment, strangely, it felt like Baby Jackie grew up…

As a kid, I didn’t understand my HSP big feelings, neither did my parents—things were NEVER ok and my responses insinuated the world was ending, no matter how big or small the “problem.” The world at that time was built for non-HSPs or the 80%ers — see True Life: I’m a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).

I earned the nickname Sandra Bernhardt for my dramatic, over-exaggerated acting skills.

Currently feeling their pain now as we learn emotions and coping through feelings with our 6 and 8 year old HSPs.

I’d say they did a damn good job raising me and I’ll forever be grateful they taught me to be strong, I needed it.

In that moment, it felt to me like my Dad saw with his own eyes that the injustices I talk about on repeat, now, are worse than I make them out to be.

I don’t over exaggerate like I did as a kid. If anything, I under exaggerate what I see now to protect his big feelings.

My dad was/is always my rock and I count on him to be “ok” when I’m not. Like Mady was Callie’s* rock.

Papa Dave doesn’t want the new American Dream like the patriarchy I speak of in America. He’s a man who prides himself on being a better human everyday, even if he doesn’t say it out loud. It’s his character.

Funny enough I wrote the last paragraph and most of this post before chatting with my Dad about the verdict and that day. That chat happened last week after getting home from a work conference and is the reason this post turned into a series. Tee hee.

Papa Dave was at the house helping watch our sick baby girl. While he was there, he did a lil cleaning—his love language—a months worth of laundry, organized the garage, and steam cleaned our disgusting carpets. Can always count on my rock who knows I can’t think with clutter because I’m a mini version of him… except way louder 🥹

I jokingly referred to him as “America’s Stand In Dad” during our convo because it’s who he is to everyone around him. We also joke you can’t go anywhere without someone knowing Dave.

A wide range of topics came up including this blog…. And his displeasure over my use of the term patriarchy or white man.

*HEY DAD—now that I know you check in on your little exclamation point here, read Sharpen the Saw, I clarified how you’re not the patriarchy. You still are a white man if we are talking facts. It’s not a bad thing! You are part of the change we need too. Historically speaking, people will listen to you more given your white male characteristics. Do it for your girls!*

During that recent chat, my dad said the penalty for pedophiles should be the death penalty—can’t say I disagree totally. I asked him a different question:

Why isn’t castration the penalty for child sex abuse?

I gave him my opinion to think about and he initially had big feelings over it.

My polarizing response was that castration—even death— isn’t the penalty because the child sex abusers hiding behind their shiny reputations—specifically elected titles—don’t want it to be the penalty when (ha IF) they are caught.

He started to push back, because that’s what we Hildors do, before pausing to say, “Like Denny.”

https://www.vox.com/2016/4/28/11520156/dennis-hastert-child-molestation-explained

Yep, Dad. Just like Denny.

Dennis Hastert, former US Speaker of the House, an admitted child sex abuser. Papa Dave supported him when he was in office before the sex abuse allegations came out. He fooled my dad, even coached against my dad’s high school team in wrestling.

Clearly also fooled a crap ton of Americans. Second in line to the PRESIDENCY.

Pedophiles don’t have a tattoo on their foreheads and will go to the ends of the earth to veil their gross sex abuse lies…. And vouch for their pedo brothers.

Denny covered for his buddy US House Rep Mark Foley messaging an underage congressional page.

A congressional page is a high school student who works in Congress delivering messages and documents, or assisting with other tasks.

I’d bet the job description doesn’t include being groomed by adult males to be their play toys.

We know about one…. Of how many?

With that in mind, the Don announces his pick for Attorney General.

Definition from the Department of Justice website:

“The Attorney General represents the United States in legal matters generally and gives advice and opinions to the President and to the heads of the executive departments of the Government when so requested. In matters of exceptional gravity or importance the Attorney General appears in person before the Supreme Court. “

US Representative Matt Gaetz, ladies and gentleman.

https://abcnews.go.com/US/woman-testified-house-ethics-committee-gaetz-sex-17/story?id=115867555

I believe her. She’s one of how many?

The future Attorney General of the United States of America.

Let freedom and sex abuse ring?

Child sex abuse needs to be acknowledged so we can do better. If we don’t talk about it, nothing will change.

Those young, innocent, even smart kids—Hi, it’s me 🤩 that will be in Part II—are being groomed by men who should’ve known better given their age.

Maybe they would have done better if they faced even an ounce of accountability.

Accountability satiates my passion for justice.

I can’t help but wonder: What do we do to change the flawed narrative?

Embrace GRAYce Court of Public Opinion.

One of those “big ideas” of mine that could ruffle more Anonymous feathers—but the way I see it… if I’m the “problem” in this sex abuse epidemic imma bout to be burned at the stake anyways.

Give me my Red S. I’ll wear it proudly.

So long as it’s a pink shade of red—goes better with my image & brand, obvi.

I will no longer remain silent out of fear when I am speaking my truth in an effort to protect my babies.

“Not guilty” in a court of law does NOT mean the two stepdads I recently tried for predatory criminal sexual assault aren’t monsters. They are. I just didn’t sustain my burden in a court of law.

I know what I saw, heard, viewed, experienced.

Their stepdaughters were telling the truth.

Those verdicts are miscarriages of justice.

Those verdicts explain why I didn’t say anything the hundreds of times I was sexually abused and harassed in both personal and professional settings.

I didn’t want to be told my truth wasn’t true by people who buy into the FLAWED, conditioned, societal narrative of All Woman are Lunatic Liars.

A WALL, for short: an unspoken American club.

It’s what I feel like I’m currently hitting in my mission to fight the injustices I see daily….. A f***ing WALL.

I’ve got a whole helluva lot more e-mails, texts, screenshots I haven’t shared here out of fear. My avoidance of shame because I know the lengths the patriarchy will go to in an effort to cover their TRUTH. Their avoidance of shame.

Don’t worry boys, I don’t want to be paid out in a lawsuit to stay quiet. I want accountability and transparency so we can actually do better moving forward.

I will not and cannot stand by silently if it means my girls too will grow up and hit A WALL when they are adult women.

Believe women and children; quit ignorantly assimilating with the A WALL narrative; stop the cycle of sexual abuse.

Before I wrap this up, some warm fuzzies because that’s how I roll:

Thank You Mom & Dad for rolling with my chicken little punches and raising me strong.

Thank you for teaching me the value of human life over a dollar.

Thank you for loving me unconditionally and hearing me, especially when my opinion is polarizing. Like now.

Thank you for teaching by example to have an open mind and heart.

I’ve learned most of what I know because of the two of you.

You’ve been the change you wanted to see in the world and it’s been inspiring to watch.

The legacy you’ve left is beautiful 💗

I love you and thank you for giving me the tools and support to be the change I want to see in the world.

I’m one of the lucky ones that has the unconditional love that helps me persevere through the grief.

I am so proud to be your daughter—even with all your idiosyncrasies like Dad’s car breaking down in Mayberry after the verdict on November 6th.

It unlocked my new favorite core memory—driving Papa Dave home while loudly singing Steve Winwood’s Roll With It, just like we did when I was 4.

Feelings are taught at home. Feelings can be diverse and fluid when you know how to properly cope with them.

It’s called emotional diversity and what I strive for in these posts. A wide range of emotions that make you laugh and cry.

You can still have good times with the bad, so long as you Roll With it Baby.

Stay tuned for Part II of the Embrace GRAYce Court of Public Opinion Sex Abuse Series, that Will County tea is spicy 🫖

I love a good song… makes sense that this one reminds me of my Dad 🖤🤍🩶

Roll With It by Steve Winwood

When life is too much, roll with it, baby
Don’t stop and lose your touch, oh no, baby
Hard times knocking on your door, I’ll tell them you ain’t there no more

Get on through it, roll with it, baby
Luck’ll come and then slip away, you’ve gotta move, bring it back to stay

You just roll with it, baby, come on and just roll with it, baby
You and me, roll with it, baby, hang on and just roll with it, baby

The way that you love is good as money
I swear by stars above, sweet as honey
People think you’re down and out, you show them what it’s all about
You can make it, roll with it, baby
When this world turns its back on you, hang in and do that sweet thing you do

You just roll with it, baby, you just roll with it, baby
Come on and just roll with it, baby, you and me, just roll with it, baby

Now there’ll be a day you’ll get there, baby, you’ll hear the music play, you’ll dance, baby
You’ll leave bad times way behind, nothing but good times on your mind
You can do it, roll with it, baby
Then you’ll see life will be so nice, it’s just a step up to paradise
You just roll with it, baby, you just roll with it, baby
You and me, just roll with it, baby, Come on and just roll with it, baby

I’m ready to leave the bad times way behind, hbu?